Rules To Live By
1. Don't drink unidentified yellow liquid.
2. The sticky stuff on the stairs always tastes bitter.
3. If a car has a 3 mile or 3 hour warranty, don't buy it.
4. Boring events end in "fest," Fun events end in "mania".
5. If the voices in your head tell you to burn things, don't listen.
6. It's a bad idea to personalize your license plate with your name if you're a professional hitman.
7. Don't volunteer to be a janitor at a strip joint.
8. Don't have gold teeth in a high crime zone.
9. It's a bad idea to tell the biggest guy in school that he punches like a girl.
10. Afros went out of style 30 years ago.
11. It's a bad idea to go the wrong way down a one way street.
12. Don't climb trees in thunderstorms.
13. If you star smoking, in 50 or 60 years you have a dead corps on your hands mister.
14. Baseball bats and frogs don't mix.
15. Trout make bad pets.
16. When in prison, stay away from the guy named "Big Sal."
17. Someone will always get an eye poked out.

More Rules

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to livewith.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence onsociety.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Things To Make You think
1)  Since Styrofoam is used to ship anything, what is used to ship Styrofoam?
2)  How do they get those deer to cross at those yellow signs?
3)  How do you know when sour cream is bad?
4)  What was the best thing before sliced bread?
5)  What is another word for Thesaurus?
6)  Why is freight carried by truck called a shipment and freight carried by ships called cargo?
7)  If you were to choke a Smurf, what color would he turn?
8)  Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
9)  When a cow laughs, does milk come out of his nose?
10) If you throw a cat in the trash, is that considered "kitty litter"?
11) What would you call a fly if he had no wings, a walk?

Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in we use answering machines and/or caller ID to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
Only in we have Braille lettering on drive up ATM machines

You the Man (from "The Onion")

You The Man
By Tyrell Davis

      You the man, know what I'm sayin'? You the man! You it, baby. Ain't nobody else. Nobody.
      Yo, how you do it, man? Man, you operate. It's like, shit, you crazy smooth. You all that, and then some. Ain't no doubt.
      You the man all the time, 24-7! You the man when you walk it, and you the man when you talk it. You the man when you play it, and you the man when you say it.
      Yo, Lorenzo, listen up and listen real good. You know what? I'll tell you what: You the man. That's right--you it.
      Know what I'm sayin'?
      Let me break it down for you just one time. You got that fine-ass lady, don't you? That shorty is one fine-a** ride. And those clothes you wear. Damn! You be like Mr. Armani Gucci Versace or somethin' in those threads.
      You be shakin' it, breakin' it and quakin' it... and that's no fakin it. And I ain't even up to your moves on the court yet. You like Shaq and Penny and Michael all rolled into one out there. Slam dunkin' with a quickness!
      Ain't no two ways about it, and ain't nobody doubt it. My man!

No, You The Man
By Lorenzo Simmons       What? You crazy. Me? The man? Please. Everybody in town know who the man is--you the man! I ain't the man. No way. You got it all. And I mean all. Sh**, I ain't got half what you got.
      Yo, check this out--you smooth, man. Ain't nobody smoother than my boy Tyrell. You make the smooth look like they ain't smooth at all. Now, that's smooth.
      So tell me this: How can I be the man when you the man? 'Cause, you see, there can be only one man, and I ain't it.
      The other day, some folks came up to me, and they was all up in my face and sh**, tellin' me that I be the man. When they said that, I was like, "What? You buggin! I ain't the man! No way, no day. My boy Tyrell, he the man."
      After I tell 'em that, then they was all like, "Tyrell? That crazy homeboy from down 115th Street way? You right, Lorenzo--Tyrell is the man!"
      But still, y'all better keep your hands off my lady, or else you gonna be the man with two black eyes, motherf***er! Sh**, man, I was just playin' with you. You know I think you the man